Monday, February 2
It's kind of interesting how this months Crash topic is on depression. It's a topic that has been coming up so much lately: spirits of darkness, loneliness, fear, ugliness, etc. And I really see God's timing in the whole thing. Personally, I wanted this topic to be done later in the year so we would have more time to prepare and make it awesome, but it's funny when God does things in His timing, because He tells me not to worry about all of the details that I feel like I won't have time for, that He will pull them all together. And He is definitely doing that in His own supernatural way.
This past weekend and even this past week everything was different. It didn't have any significantly bad parts to it, but I have almost felt attacked by lies from all around, lies that I already thought I had overcome and didn't have to deal with or listen to: Friendships aren't the same and it's my fault, I'm not good enough, not fun enough, not enough period. Everyone is growing in their relationship with the Lord while they have fun and pursue relationships, but I have to drop everything in order to make the least bit of progress in knowing the Lord. It's not okay to miss out on events because people won't like you as much, they will never want to get to know you, they will like everyone else more than you.
Lies, lies, lies.
And I want to cry.
And I want to be strong.
And I want to be okay with things being His way.
But I will sing of your strength,
in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
my refuge in times of trouble.
On maybe a more upbeat note, a long awaited prayer has been answered. I've been praying for a chance to go back to RIHOP and be able to play guitar during a set. An opportunity arose and I am going for it. Wednesdays at 4. Praise the LORD!
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
Everything inside me is hurting right now. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. My flesh is crying out. Dieeeeinggg to selffff, im melting, haha. Blegh. I can't write anymore.
Lord, bless me and keep me.