Saturday, December 4

Day and Night

Recently I realized that I am caught up in a vicious cycle. I wake up in the morning and get ready for the day and then I spend my day waiting for the night. Then, when night comes, I spend all night waiting for the morning. At the end of this 24 hour cycle I look back and realize I spent the whole day counting on the next part of the day to bring me some sort of satisfaction and productivity. And then it repeats.

I hate being restricted by my own circumstances. I hate that something like not having a best friend in the same city as me is STILL keeping me from finding any true satisfaction. I know that Jesus is the only one who will satisfy my heart, but until that day when I am with Him, my "satisfactions" are only temporary. I guess I am learning that the slow and painful way. Sigh. I tried to spend my Friday night not focusing on this.. but, I can't help or hide the fact that 3 months have passed by and my heart still feels lonely, cold, and bitterly unsatisfied. I hate this, I really really hate this.

I was thinking the other day about that question everyone likes to ask and answer: "If you could go anywhere in the world and money didn't matter, where would you go?" My answer constantly changes. I guess, for me, one place doesn't seem especially favorable over another. And I always wondered, is this because I am bland and boring? I have no preference of my own? But, as I go through this long and dry season, in a city that used to feel more like home than my actual home, I realize that I don't want to be anywhere if I don't have good people in my life. If I don't have family then what's it matter? I've lost my sense of wonder here.


Paul said...

This seems to be a pretty popular season to be in. It's hard not feel like the things we work for or go to sleep hoping for or wake up looking forward to aren't just a lot of futility. Do you feel jaded? Can we choose to feel otherwise? Sometimes I'm not sure I can anymore.

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Eccliastes 1:14

Paul said...

ps thanks for the new desktop background.