I really wish I could make this blog private because I'm honestly just typing this to vent.
I'm hurt. Really hurt. Immersed in God's love, yet feeling so stooped in condemnation. Feeling not good enough. Feeling like I am not going to be used. Feeling so confused by past callings. Feeling like it's time to give up, knowing I shouldn't. Wanting to quit everything, to disappear. To start over. Running from my problems. Wishing someone understood. Wishing someone knew what to do because frankly God isn't close enough. He doesn't feel close enough. I feel abandoned.
I sat and read the first 3 chapters of Proverbs and cried and cried and cried. Torn apart. I am so selfish, so arrogant, so prideful, so immature, so broken.
She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed. -Proverbs 3:18
This broke me the most.
There's more I want to write. But can't. Because there aren't words. Be near, Oh God, be near.