Saturday, December 20

One of those weeping days

So this morning I woke up to an email from my mom:

Im so sorry that you and your Dad had this falling out. It breaks my heart.
I pray that you both will be willing to work it out.
I know that when he flies off the handle, he flies way off. He does it because he is hurt and doesn't know how to say "I am hurt".
I pray that he has not pushed you away. I really want you here for Christmas.
Love you,
Thanks for looking after Scooter and picking up the mail and paper.

And then I fell asleep. And then I woke up to a call from her saying she was leaving work to go home and pack for their [my parents and brothers] trip to North Carolina this weekend. When she was saying bye I could hear her voice choking up, and not knowing what to say or do I just said “Bye” and hung up. A few minutes later, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my mom was crying. She has always been so strong, and to see her so upset over this made me upset, so I called her and asked her why she was crying and she just vented out all of her feelings on the situation and how she wishes my dad and I could reconcile. So I started crying too because I didn’t know what to do. I don’t think it’s fair to me that my dad got so incredibly mad at me for something he never heard directly from my mouth. And it’s not fair that he craves all of this love and attention that I will never be able to give him, because it can only come from God.

So I decided to go to RIHOP to talk to God about what to do. I wanted to write a letter, but I knew writing a letter would have to be done thoughtfully and carefully, with rebuke and love. On the way to the prayer room I was thinking about what I would write in this letter. Different verses came to my mind. Good verses! Verses he needs to read and hear!

And then I decided it would be good to call someone for Godly wisdom before I take any action. So I called Michelle. And she listened. And I cried, and vented. And she told me that I probably shouldn’t rebuke him, but just love him. Hearing this bothered me, not because of Michelle, but because it’s kind of what I knew God was telling me. As much as I want to correct my dad with rebuke, I can’t, I’m not in that position to do it. I am, however, in the position to love him, to love him like Jesus. Then, Michelle said that maybe I could write a letter, and if I wanted her to read it first then she would do that. And then she prayed over me. I love that I have friends that can pray for me and over me. I thank God so much for strengthening me in that.

Then I got to RIHOP, eyes puffy and red. I walked across the street to the building and saw Benjamin come from the backside of the building. For some reason, I almost knew God would have him there to talk to me. He was on the phone and said hi and then after seeing my eyes asked if everything was alright, and I shook my head no and began to well up with more tears just thinking about the whole situation. He said “let’s talk” and I went inside and sat with God while he finished up his phone call.

Benjamin and I walked around the blocks a few times talking. I shared the situation, and the more I shared it the more ridiculous it sounded to me, the more it didn’t seem like a big deal. Why did it hurt so much before, but then when it is explained it sounds so trivial? But, Benjamin actually seemed to understand, he understood this situation, and he understood that my dad is hurting. My dad is hurting bad. We came to no solutions, which we weren’t even expecting a solution, knowing only God can mend and heal brokenness. He encouraged me in just loving my dad. Loving him in everything. He shared a story about when his dad was yelling at him once and just going on and on and Benjamin just went up to him, hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek. And his dad said “You have a warped sense of what love is.” And that hurt him, but he knew his father was even more hurt. And I just see myself in that situation so much.

All of this was just confirmation that I need to just love my dad. Rebukes aren’t necessary, God will rebuke, He’s the father.

So I went back in the prayer room and talked to God. I felt like I should text “I love you” to my dad, so I did.. and he texted back “I’m sorry and know that I love you too” and I texted back “Please seek God in this, His word is good and true” and he said :”Your right. We are on our way to NC, Pray we have a safe trip.”

And now I can rest some more in knowing God is faithful and he will heal and restore the brokenness in my family when we seek him together. Benjamin said that a lot of times things need to get worse before they get better. It’s true, and it hurts, but I trust in God alone.

I just got home from babysitting.. its 4:30. I think I'm going to pull and all-nighter and drive home, because I feel like if I sleep a couple hours and wake up, I'll be even more tired.

I did have a short nap tonight with Josh sleeping on my chest. Our hearts beating together, so cute.

1 comment:

Sykes Kid said...


this is encouraging me to realize more and more my bro and my situation with his relationship... I've built up some anger towards the situation, actually a lot of anger and jealousy, which i need to just LET GO. let it go... let it go let it go. B/C God's will, WILL be done. it's getting better... and reading strength verses have helped me a ton as well as being able to read this and other things in life, such as just soaking Him in as I lay down and try to lay down my whole WHOLE being, self, life... Cheers to the Father. He is Beauty. Pure beauty. As my struggles with the situation start to fade away, God is clearing my eyes and soul to love my brother the way he does, I'm trying and Dad knows this so things are going to get better, even if it's like you said Benjamin said that things need to get worse before they get better...