Wednesday, December 24
Winter Break.. more like.. Splinter Break! ..huh?
All day I've been wanting to blog, but never did, and now everything is built up and I no longer want to. But I shall not let this opportunity pass me by!
So yesterday was almost a breakdown day for me. I wanted to cry pretty much the whole day, but never did. It was weird because that's not me.. haha. I spent the day doing stuff with my parents while my brother stayed home and then went to a friends house to spend the night. I spent the evening and night working on an art type project and just contemplating. Contemplating winter break and what it is to me compared to other people. Other people have a second life on winter break. Their other friends, their other church, their extended family. I have my immediate family and Scooter, and that's it. Not that those aren't great things, but when it comes down to it, I hate it here. All I could think about yesterday was how much I hate Gloucester. How much I hate that people were so unrelateable and insincere in high school. How much I wish I had the time to get connected with a church and the fellowship here. I know hate is a strong word. I know. And I know most of the reason why I hate it here is probably my fault. I didn't pursue friendships or a church and I didn't let others in because of my own pride and insecurities [oxymoron].
I see God working on my family by me being here, but I also see him working on me by being here.
For many months I have gotten prophecies and/or encouraging words on my art. Whether that be photography, drawing, collaging, videoing, music-ing. And I always wondered why, especially the few words of knowledge I've recieved about drawing in specific. I'm not confident about a lot of my artwork and I'm sure that is a slap in God's face because I have what He has given to me. And I feel like I've recieved partial revelation on it, and I sort of mentioned it in my last post. Being in Gloucester I always feel so distant from God, and also being in Gloucester it usually means I'm here for a break or something and I have a lot of time on my hands to do nothing. I don't get poured into here, and I feel like I pour out a lot. And, well, I have to rely solely on God to pour into me. And how can He do that? Well, many ways. But with me it is through art. Through me sitting in his presence with worship music or even silence. It's very calming and restful. I finish and am in awe of his majesty. The fact that he is a much better artist than I and the fact that he chose to give me talents in art. ME! Me.. I repent for not pursuing them in the ways that I should and were meant to. I thank God that he has provided ways for me to meet with Him here.
I watched this movie, Into the Wild, it's a true story about a boy who graduates college and goes from West Virginia to Alaska with no money or identification and basically without a car, by choice, to break away from society, because people tend to be superficial and fake. He enjoys being on his own, surviving, exploring, and he says a quote about how true happiness is not dependent on human relationships. And it made me think, and though I may not completely and fully agree with the statement, I do agree. I rely a lot on human relationships to bring me happiness and fullfilment, and that is wrong, so wrong. God is teaching me. Helping me. But even at the end of the movie he quotes, "Happiness is only real when shared".