Sunday, August 22
Does the Lord put us in places of loneliness? Or maybe "loneliness" isn't the correct word.
I can feel tears welling up as I even begin writing this blog. I am unsure of what I want to say, or even if I have anything to say at all. And there go the tears. Sigh. I want to write with hope - and I always keep telling myself, it's going to be okay, it will all end up alright - it always does.
God has been so faithful to me and he has blessed me in so many ways. The blessings I have always been the most thankful for are the close friends he has put in my life. I had never really known a true covenant friendship until I came to college. Michelle and I grew very close and I just loved how my relationship with the Lord was escalated through my friendship with her. Then she moved. That was a hard time for me - I don't remember it as sharply as it probably was, because it has been some time now. It all worked out (of course). God was faithful and had already been in the works of building another covenant friendship in my life with Carra. It was almost the same kind of friendship I had with Michelle, but with a different spin on it. Well, it pains me to even type this out because it's so hard to accept it, but Carra is moving.
I am sitting here in my empty apartment avoiding the Lord. And I know deep down that He has brought me to this place to draw nearer to Him, and all I want to do is ignore Him. It's that rebellious part of my flesh that is saying, "You did this to me! You left me here alone - and this time it's worse. So instead of doing what you are trying to get me to do, I'll do the opposite." And how selfish and wrong is that? It's me saying that I love those friendships more than I love Him. It's so wrong, and I need to repent for that. I need Him to change my heart and the best way for that to happen is for me to obey and come near.
As school is drawing nearer and nearer (only three days away), I feel that my heart is torn. I want to build on the friendships I have and make new ones and really just move forward - but I almost feel so worn down that as much as I am telling my soul Psalm 42:5 [Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance.] it is of no use. And yet, I push on, getting weaker and weaker by the moment, allowing His strength to carry me.